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The Influencer: Bridging the Communication Gap
May 20, 2009
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| Kerry Patterson |
By Kerry Patterson
How do you brainstorm ideas or work out problems with people (particularly your coworkers and clients) whose specialty, culture, and physical location make it difficult to freely and clearly speak your mind? Here are six tips for bridging the communication gap, whether it’s with a disappointed client on a different continent or a direct report just down the hallway.
1. Never let e-mail replace talking when the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. Emotional topics deserve real-time, two-way communication. While e-mail is convenient, it’s hardly the medium for dealing with touchy or controversial issues.
For example, if you know a client is upset with your performance, you’ll be tempted to build a protective wall around your conversation by sending a quick and safe electronic acknowledgement of your error. By doing so, you save yourself from a direct attack. However, you also cut yourself off from any real feedback and simultaneously destroy any hope of appearing genuine. Creating a bogus safety net comes at the expense of real communication and only makes matters worse over time.
Now, if stakes are high and you can’t meet face-to-face, then at least talk over the phone. You’ll be cut off from visual cues, so pay special attention to verbal cues that provide important meaning in any interaction.
2. Listen for hesitance. When staring up or down the organizational hierarchy or across long distances, people are more reticent on expressing their honest views or disappointments. Even when asked for their feedback, they don’t express their opinions. With hierarchical differences, employees worry about looking impertinent. And across distances, people worry about getting into an awkward argument that will be hard to solve without face-to-face time and attention.
Given that many people rely on hints and innuendo or don’t speak up at all, take special care in watching for subtle cues when stakes increase and emotions start to run high. These cues let you know the other person has something to say but isn’t saying it. A minor pause or faint praise for an idea should sound an alarm that there’s disagreement but the person isn’t speaking his or her mind. Heed closely to the spaces between responses, look for awkward glances, and listen to tone of voice, pacing, and volume—all give clues that aren’t in words. Don’t let your enthusiasm for an idea blind you to subtle signs of disappointment or resistance.
3. Choose tentative language. As you pitch an idea, express your views firmly but soften the blow of excessive advocacy by employing a curious tone and tentative language. The more you care about your position, the more you are likely to overstate the benefits of your stance, speak in absolutes, and use debate tactics to win. Don’t fall into this trap.
When expressing your views, your goal shouldn’t be to win but to make the best decision. That means you’ll want to express your views, but you need others to speak openly, as well. Synergy is impossible when an overzealous person dominates a discussion. Worse, if you’re particularly forceful in your expression, others are offended and resist your ideas.
4. Seek different views. After you’ve made a suggestion, explain you’re concerned that your ideas may not be understood or may not work well when implemented under different circumstances. You’re comfortable with how your recommendations might apply in your domain, but you need feedback from others before you implement the decision. Let people know you expect your initial ideas will be reshaped as they are applied to different departments of different countries. Consequently, explain you’re counting on others to direct your views by pointing out any problem or making honest suggestions for improvement.
(Note: you can express your opinions with as much strength and confidence as you like, as long as you’re equally genuine and forceful when seeking differing views.)
5. Play devil’s advocate. To make it safe for others to honestly express their opposing views, argue both sides of an issue. Express your views and then tentatively share your concerns. For example, use, “I think the idea will work but do worry about it taking too long. And I’m particularly concerned with escalating costs.” By addressing both sides of an issue, you make it clear it’s all right to raise issues. You open the door to honest criticism.
When you’re speaking from a position of authority, it’s particularly important to talk about both sides of an issue. Otherwise, you’re likely to find others reading your preference and merely chiming in with support rather than offering their genuine opinions. Employees have been rewarded for agreeing with people in authority for so long that if you don’t make it safe for them to disagree, they’ll defer to you simply out of habit.
The same deference can be true with a client that sees you as the expert and has some reservations but doesn’t want to speak against your experience. So go out of your way to make it safe. Ask people for different views and then prime the pump by offering up opposing views of your own.
6. Allow time. Finally, in some environments, any quick response to a suggestion is seen as impetuous or immature. People believe it’s important to hear a proposal and then take time to review it with their own local teams before saying much. With controversial topics or proposals, suggest an idea and then ask people to report back in a few days. This tactic also provides people a chance to work on how they express differing views.
Remember, as you talk with others instead of cutting off opposing opinions through the subtle use of power or debate skills, make it safe for others to chime in with their valued input. Talk face-to-face, listen for hesitance, choose tentative language, seek different views, play devil’s advocate, and don’t rush to a conclusion. Your goal should be to come to a shared understanding, not to win.
Kerry Patterson is the author of New York Times bestsellers Crucial Conversations and Influencer. He is also a consultant to Fortune 500 companies and is cofounder of VitalSmarts, www.vitalsmarts.com, an innovator in corporate training and organizational development.
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