Have you ever had to face down a raging executive who was armed with an agenda—his nostrils flared and his ego inflamed? Or maybe you’ve been forced to partner with a leader who wears her power on her sleeve—using it to crush all those who resist the company change strategy when you are actually trying to win people over.
These are the colleagues who keep you up at night. Their own direct reports describe working with them as “difficult.” You can’t help but notice their pause as they utter the euphemism “difficult.”
Fortunately, there are ways of working with difficult leaders. Following are two useful pieces of strategy that my colleagues and I have learned over the years.
I. Talk immediately and directly about problems. During the ascent to management, leaders accumulate a bag of tricks for getting things done. Unfortunately, those tricks aren’t always attractive. Some ugly traits that difficult leaders bring to your new alliance might be micromanaging, leading by authority, badmouthing, and misrepresenting. You’ll never resolve such problems until you talk to them. To work effectively with them, you’ll have to hold a “crucial confrontation,” a face-to-face discussion to hold them accountable for broken promises, violated expectations, or bad behavior.
Often, even the thought of talking to a difficult leader about a problem or barrier with his or her leadership style is intimidating. That’s because we expect them to end in disaster. We bring up an issue, the leader becomes defensive or angry, and we suffer the consequences.
But it doesn’t have to play out this way. Years of watching people who are skilled at holding crucial confrontations have taught us that if you employ the right skills, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. We realize this is a bit like saying, “If you flap your arms in just the right way, you can fly.” But there’s a difference. We’ve actually seen people talk to difficult leaders about touchy issues and do well. So if you’re tired of suppressing your concerns and quietly nursing an ulcer, talk it out using the following five steps:
1. Start with your good intentions. Ask for permission to talk in private about an issue that has you concerned. Once you sit down, thank the leader for taking the time. The first 30 seconds set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Explain your desire to work through a problem in a way that meets both of your needs. This “win-win” tactic may seem obvious, but many people enter into conversations with the goal of improving their own situation—not a good starting point.
2. Focus on the one issue you care about most. If you’ve waited for a long time to speak your mind, you may have a whole list of gripes you’d like to air out. Don’t do it. Instead, work on one issue at a time. Give the other person time to digest, respond to, and work on your concerns before introducing another issue.
Choosing one issue often calls for careful analysis. To narrow the field, ask yourself what you really want for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. For example, if what you want most is a trusting working relationship, address the pattern of missed commitments and work on that issue until it is resolved before tackling another problem.
3. Stick to the facts. Describe the problem you’re experiencing by leading off with the facts. For example, you asked a leader to take on a task, but the deadline came and went and he or she never even got started. This is a fact. You may feel the leader is shirking responsibility, but this is a conclusion. Conclusions are often inflammatory, can be wrong, and frequently create defensiveness. So start with the facts. What specific actions led you to your conclusions?
4. Suggest replacement behaviors. After you’ve explained the problem that you’re experiencing, suggest what you prefer, e.g., “It would work better for me if you’d let me know ahead of time when you won’t meet a deadline.” More often than not, people behave poorly because they don’t see alternatives. Provide them with alternatives. If necessary, brainstorm together until there is a strategy that both of you can support.
5. Define “who does what by when” and express your thanks. As you wind down the discussion, taking care to describe exactly what each of you will do to improve your working relationship, be sure to express your appreciation for the leader’s willingness to listen to your concerns.
II. Be prepared for emotional outbursts. Every once in a while, a leader you’re working with becomes angry. If you are caught by surprise, it can be awkward. However, a bit of preparation can help a great deal. When dealing with anger, consider the following:
1. Don’t patronize. When someone blows a gasket, your natural tendency is to try and calm him or her down. So you say something like, “I’d feel better if we discussed this in a more professional tone. Perhaps if you could calm down, we’d be able to move ahead.” This is the wrong approach! No matter what words you choose, this sounds as if you’re saying, “You’re acting immature and out of control and I’m not.” At best, this comes off as smug; at worst, it can be demeaning.
2. Don’t immediately get into an argument. Your second natural tendency is to mount a counterattack, e.g., “You’re wrong. I wasn’t trying to make you look bad in the meeting; I was just sharing a different view. I didn’t realize that you expected me to agree with you at every public event.” An immediate counterattack is likely to throw fuel on the flames.
3. Restore safety. When others become angry, it’s because they feel unsafe. For example, if they’ve concluded that you’re trying to make them look bad, they may feel threatened and become defensive. As unsafe as you yourself may feel in a volatile situation, it’s now your job to help your colleague feel safe. You can restore safety using the following steps:
a. Show your concern. Don’t match anger with anger. Instead, demonstrate your genuine concern. You don’t want your colleague to feel threatened and angry. Your concern should be expressed on your face and in your body language. Don’t try to stay on top of your emotions by acting cold and withdrawn. This can feel aloof and insensitive.
b. Clarify your intent. You can diffuse emotions by clearing up any misunderstanding of your intentions. Apologize and clarify what’s really going on, e.g., “I’m sorry if I’ve caused you a problem. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
c. Probe for detail. Ask the other person for the facts. He or she is angry and probably only sharing ugly conclusions about you, e.g., “You’re untrustworthy!” “You’re unreliable!” Conclusions fuel anger, while facts lead to a more level-headed discussion. Ask the person, “Can you tell me exactly what we did that makes you feel we can’t be trusted?” Then listen. Keep probing for facts until you obtain enough detail to address the problem, when you can offer an explanation or an apology. Once you’ve gotten to the root of the other person’s feelings, you can jointly come up with a solution.
Kerry Patterson is the co-author of three New York Times bestsellers: Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. He is also an acclaimed keynote speaker, consultant, and co-founder of VitalSmarts,www.vitalsmarts.com. Also visit